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i keep getting pure sad for absolutely no reason. what's that all about eh? eh? can i just say. STOP COMING ON MSN AND ACTING LIKE I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR EVER WILL BE. fucking hell man. it's like i'm some wee bastard item for folk to sleaze on. ugh. i do not understand you. and you for one do not understand or connect with me. you just think you do. you must be retarded if you think you can connect with someone who you only ever interact with through a keyboard. fannies! i had a conversation with chris today about how if i put on weight i think i would be infinetely more attractive. but i still want to lose weight, haha. i want to be teency but i think i look awkward and boyish. go figure. anyways. all is good. but you dinnae care. because you are livejournal and you have no soul. ya bas.
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i feel horrid. like really really shit. but i'm happy and it's doing my fucking head in. this medicine is forcing me to be happy but there is part that seems to be totally fighting it and trying not to let it work. and it's a horrible feeling like the upset is being shoved away but i'm still aware it's there. i am fucking sick of not eating. i want to go home and see my um but i can't honestly be happy putting myself in a situation surrounded by food and with no gym. it's so fucking pathetic. for the past week, bar one day when i ate chinese food, i have eaten a total of a handful of spinach, a tomato, a few pickles and an apple each day. now i'm like so fucking drained and dizzy and my head is going weird. i'm sitting racking my brains thinking of something i can eat tonight for tea to pick-up the food intake but thinking about eating a veggie burger or a bag of snack-a-jacks is upsetting me. but i need to eat something. ugh. its a huge fight that i can't win, it's so pathetic. it's like yeah i should eat something or i'll faint BUT i could just go one more day and eat tomorrow. or the next day. or the next. it's so frustrating. because i don't even want to fix it. i don't want to be fixed and eating like a "normal" person. i can't fathom being like that. i really want a job too. i'm wasting away here doing nothing. i want uni to fuck off so i can go teach. tonight i'm going to be so fucking pissed off on my own but it's my own fault for exhausting myself through lack of food that i can't go out. for fuck sake i'm even terrified of drinking too much diluting juice because of the sugar. how can you know something is wrong and yet not want it to be fixed? it makes no sense. and it's not even a proper problem. people you speak to don't understand. they just think you should eat something. i wish i could have that. to be able to put anything in my mouth without stressing over the consequences. this time of year this always seems to catch up with me. i have no idea why. it goes away in winter time then comes back with a fucking vengeance in spring. i hate it. as bizarre as it sounds i have a really really sore mouth and i thought it was because i was getting ill, but i think it's because i'm not having enough to eat. my hands are shaky and my head is dizzy but there is actually just no desire to pick up food and eat it. i don't actually feel hungry and although tonight i plan to eat something more significant there is a huge part of me that doesn't want it because i don't feel hungry enough to constitute having it. i'm just going to eat it to out off the dizziness for another few days. it was only about a month ago when i was obsessed with constantly eating and now that has just dwindled to the extent that it rarely crosses my mind anymore. ugh, other than that i just want to go home. and i want to spend time with people i can't spend time with and the only way i can see friends is to go out to a club but it's the last thing i want to do. and although i'm perfectly happy and nothing is really going wrong for me i caught myself elevated at the idea of not being here anymore to have to deal with such boredom and pointlessness. not that i would ever consider doing something like that. do you ever get that feeling where you just wish you could get hit by a car and taken away from everything for a bit? there just seems like i have nothing to do and there is no purpose for me. i', just so fucking sick of waiting on things to happen. there is so much good stuff and i can see it's going to be okay but i'm fucking pissed off waiting around. i want a job now, i want uni done now, there's so much and it just takes the piss. but the worse part is i'm not even unhappy.
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just now i feel totally and completely useless. like i really really want a job, like so bad, but i can't seem to get one. well i've only been trying for about a week but all the places i want to work aren't looking and i handed cvs in them anyway, but i dunno. i've handed some into places looking but still nothing. just now i think a job somewhere i like would make everything totally almost right where i want it to be. which is a bit odd because i don't know if i've ever been like that. the only thing i would have to worry about is my food and the gym but after that settled i'd be like sorted! hehe =) i would totally kill to work in game, gamestation, virgin, hmv, waterstones or borders. it would be well good. but they never want anyone. ugh, i'm sick of sitting at home doing nothing when i actually want to be working. sucks. hopefully something will come along soon. went to town today and actually had a really good time. no panic and no uncomfort. even managed to walk home. usually i panic and want to get back asap. well chuffed =) pfft. that's it. other than i am always knackered the now. fuck knows why.
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right. after eating loads of food that my body just is not used to and then watching three very bizarre films yesterday, i had the most bizarre dreams ever. i mean, my dreams are usually fuckered but this took the piss. the main one was as follows: i'm in my flat with chris and some guy that i know from my past but shall remain nameless for the fact that i don't really like him very much. anyway i'm trying to write my dissertation and chris and the guy are talking loudly and i'm getting more and more pissed off. then all of a sudden i see one of my family members (it was a cousin and they shall also remain nameless so as not to upset anyone i know, but i will say that it wasn't steven, it was a different cousin) running out from a room out of the corner of my eye. they have long red hair in the dream and they just run and jump straight out of the window and chris and the guy don't even notice. so i run to the window and the street below is so busy and there is a big puddle and i can only vaguely see the red hair floating just under the surface. no one else can see it or even noticed. so i'm screaming and yelling at chris then i turn on the guy i don't like and tell him to get the fuck out of my house. after that i run down the stairs and out into the street and pick up the body out of the puddle. by this time i know that if the fall didn't kill them then they must have drowned because they were in the puddle for so long. anyway i'm hugging the body and crying and yell at chris to run and get my auntie (the body's mum) and so he runs off. and i'm carrying this tiny body and no one notices. i start wandering about with it and it turns into a sort of weird doll thing and i look at its face and it's wearing loads of make-up but actually looks like a porcelain doll. then i realise the face is made of chocolate and so i bite its cheek to check and it is. it's chocolate and biscuit. but now it has half a face and so i panic and look across the road and there is a priest so i run over to him and ask him to help make it better. so he takes the body and i'm yelling at him to hurry because i can see my auntie coming. so he takes the body and comes back out with it, still looking like a doll, but now its make-up is a bright-red eyeshadow that's dripping down its face and going all over my hands. anyway, my auntie gets to me and grabs the body and is crying and runs off with it. then i head back to the flat where i spend the remainder of the dream trying to explain exactly how the person jumped out. they didn't hesitate or anything and i described it as if it was "someone confidently diving off a diving board". so weird. my other dream was much shorter and i think it had to do with what i ate yesterday because i had a dream that my diet was making my hair and teeth fall out. but i wasn't sad about it. it was so fucking strange. aye, so my dreams are well mental. in other news, my stomach and mouth really fucking hurt because i ate food yesterday that my body isn't used to. i feel really ill so the next few days are going to have to be spent putting it back to what is normal for me. sake. also company magazine did a journal of a woman who attempted to diet to a size00 (UK2). it was okay for the most part, but i just want to point out to anyone who might have read it that a BMI of 19 is not unhealthy. the healthy range is 18.5-24.9. this kind of false information is of no help to anyone. my BMI is 21.3 at the moment. at my target weight it will be 19.2. i've been just above this weight before and had smart-arses question me about it and start rumours about me. i'd just like to say that i know a hell of a fucking lot more than they do and jealous rumours solve fuck all. sort it out.
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had like, the best day ever. woke up at fucking 7am for some bizarre reason. but anyway went through to edinburgh and met my mum and my wee brother. didn't do much shopping but, traipsed around looking at random shit then tried to go for lunch at quarter past 11, but it was shut, haha, fatties. wanted to go to hard rock cafe but i was outnumbered and ended up at jimmy chang's. all you can eat chinese buffet. it gave me the fear. ha, but i ate hunners. cake and ice creeeam! numnumnum. haha =)
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all i have to say about today is that; 1. it was a bit boring. 2. i just wanted it over with so i can see my mum in edinburgh tomorrow. and 3. i just watched final fantasy advent children and want to marry this man:
ooft aye. god. fictional characters much? away to (possibly) watch battle royale now. finally. god. kiriyama and shuya? all good. heeeeeeee. what's wrong with me?
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totally knackered from getting up so early for the doctor. no happy. should go to the gym now. will probably die of exhaustion on the cross-trainer. woot! been thinking about this teacher thing. i think i might go for it. i can do a year's training to be a teacher at glasgow uni and i think i'd make a kick-ass teacher =) teaching english lit to secondary school kids. class! i need a degree in english, which i'll have soon, then i can do the course and teach. it might be hard but teaching sounds like mega-fun. haha, maybe i should go back and teach at gala academy. god, i'd be loving it!
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so i went to find me a job today and i handed out a total of - one cv. it was pure pish. i was in town for a total of about half an hour when one of those charity fucks decided it would be a good idea to harass me even though i had crossed to the other side of the street and then told him i didn't want to speak to him. after that i felt horrid and just got the tube straight back to the west end and just mooched about there looking at random pointless junk in all the crappy wee boutiques. joy.
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aye last entry of the day. *promises* chris went off home today and so i'm all on my jim in the flat. it's so weird! last time i was properly on my own here was christmas maybe. for like a week. and it wasn't a happy time. but now i'm enjoying my time on my own! i finished my story whichi am fairly chuffed with, i managed to eat what i want for tea, which meant an amazing start to my diet today and theni watched watership down in my blanket (oh you'll here more of the blanket don't worry) probably like my favourite childhood film of all time next to the goonies. gotta love chunk, ayyye. chris hadn't seen that film until he was 19 and i forced it upon him. goonie rape. y'heard me.
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just found out today that ally is okay after all the hospitalness. fucking so happy. and so relieved. been worried so much over the past few days. even though i knew he would be fine! bad stuff never happens to amazing people =) ach, i feel lifted right out of my introverted mood from this morning. and i think i'm going to be addicted to this thing. fucker.
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everyone tells me that when i write stuff like what i'm about to that i "shouldn't need to explain myself to anyone". i know that and i don't really see it as having to justify myself to anyone. the majority of people i couldn't give a crap what they think. but there are some people i care about and i don't want them thinking i'm avoiding them or that i don't like them because i'm always claiming to be 'ill' and never making the effort to go out ot meet up with them or anything. and also some people just will not get the fact that pestering, guilt-tripping me and bullying me into going out or whatever doesn't do anything for my health and i really want them to stop. so the following is an explanation of me just now. and why i may not be seen out and about for a while. just now i have this amazing need to want to stay in my own little world and not have to worry about anyone or anything. last month i was diagnosed with extremely high anxiety and high depression which i am now on medication for. i was on these same anti-depressants when i was sixteen years old and the reasons are the same. now, just because i say i am 'ill' it does not mean i have a cold or the flu or something i can 'get over' and come out when and where people want me to. i can barely leave the house just now so going out is the least of my worries. i miss my friends so much, but when walking around town causes me a panic attack it's probably best to avoid it. the only reason i have left the house in the past week is to go to the gym. which is literally a minute up the road. i do feel so so bad for not seeing my friends. and i miss them all so much. but the effort of everything is too much. part of me wants to stop going ot altogether. i did it last year where i just kind of disappeared and came back looking and feeling completely different. i want to do that again. but i feel guilty. and some people don't seem to want to let me. don't worry, if you count as a best friend you aren't one of these people. but messages demanding and begging me to come out to some pishy club when i can barely do my own grocery shopping have made me burst into tears on numerous occasions. and i just want these people to know that, yes they can ask if i want to do something, but please please accept when i say no. it's never because i don't want to see my friends. it's just because i'm not me just now and need to wait 'til i'm better before i make too much of an effort. i need to be selfish and do what i want for a change and not run about after other people. so yeah. hopefully that'll help people understand a bit more. and when i sort myself out in a few weeks i can see everyone i love again =)
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omigod lookit i have me a livejournal! so excited. aye. fuck off. don't really know why i need it or for what purpose but here it is anyways. have fun reading about my joyous life and all the mad and zany antics i get up to. oho in for a treat you are. =/ new week tomorrow. no uni. need to find a job really but still finding it hard to go far out of the house without stressing out. hopefully i can fix that soon. last time i went into town it was about a week and a half ago and i lasted an hour then almost burst into tears and had to get a taxi home and i ran in the house to my couch and my blanket. hahaha. it's what high-stress/anxiety will do to you kids =) aye but i know how to fix it. tomorrow i start diet and gym. again. hopefully recording it here will help. then ican keep track. plus i have nothing else to worry about at the moment so things can't stop me and get in the way. except maybe finding a job. argh. but that can wait for at least a few more days! aim to be a stone lighter in three or four weeks. maybe quicker. =)
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